In my opinion, to be centered with ourselves is to be honest with internal "Yes" and "No". We are constantly making choices every moment. Sometimes I feel things I have chosen are due to the family or society. It is true, and I am still choosing to agree with my family or society. The sum of our choices make our life. How many moments do we compromise our choices in a day? At least for me, I am constantly compromising the choices that I make.
In order to stay centered with our soul, the first step for me is to be aware of my honest feelings, and choose what my heart desires. We can choose to commit to society after knowing what our hearts want. In other words, we all have the right to choose whether to follow the norm or not.
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There is a famous saying which is "Japanese do not say No." That was me when I came to the US. I grew up not learning how to feel and say no, and it made my life uncomfortable for a while for the first few years of immigration. Maybe way more than a few lol. In the Japanese context, listening nuance, following norms, and being not too bold are quite accepted ideas. I came here without knowing America has its own culture, and I acted exactly the same way I did in Japan. That was good learning. If I don't pay attention to my feelings and follow the powers, it takes me somewhere without myself. It is great when my feeling and the power have resonance, but when it is off, it's a disaster. I felt I will get sick if I continue to live this way.
So, I started to practice how to listen to my internal "Yes" and "No." And then I realized that I am quite bold about what I like and not. It showed me how much I was compromising my own feelings in my life. With years of practice, it gets easier and easier to be aware of my feelings. And then the next challenge appeared. I had no idea how to say no to other people! I didn't learn how to say "No" appropriately, and each time I said no, there were weird charges in the air, and I made myself and others quite uncomfortable. I guess I've been working with how to say no for a couple of years, and again, with practice, it gets easier and easier. I still get nervous, and I don't always succeed, but I have much more ease with speaking up my honest feelings.
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Let me share what I have learned through my tries and errors here. :)
1. Practicing the intuition
Liten internal yes and no with simple situations. For example, at the grocery store, ask myself "apple or banana?" without seeing prices. and listen to the intuition. This can be done with anything. Repeating this practice, I started to notice my patterns and preferences. The secret is to allow myself to have things I dislike.
2. Following the spark
When I choose the place to stay, place to visit or buying clothing, I try to listen to what gives my heart the most spark. In real life, we have so many limitations, and it may be difficult to choose the best spark all the time. And at least in this way, we can sharpen our sensitivities. I believe the spark is something our souls like. :) 3. Saying "No" immediately
Japanese households are shoes free while American households are mixed with/ without shoes. It was really difficult for me to ask guests to take off their shoes, and many times, I didn't say that while feeling urgency inside. An accumulation of small things gets charged. It is much easier to say no immediately when we feel it. Nowadays, I am practicing to say no immediately with respect for others. Almost all the time, people so nicely listen to my no when I can say it right away. 4. Speaking about myself When we have conflicts, we often point fingers on others. It makes conversation really difficult. So I try to speak my points without critiquing others' opinions. Bring all the opinions on the table, and then discuss what we choose as a collective body. If we are mature enough, the conversation takes us to collaboration or negotiation instead of fighting. 5. Giving up being the same It is great when my feelings and my loved ones' feelings are in harmony, and I expect that is natural to some degree. But we all are different souls, and we all have specific needs. Even with a family or a lover, it is wiser to think we have different opinions and tastes. If we have different choices, we just need to do things separately. I don't have to bend, and others also don't need to bend. 6. Accepting changes
Internal "Yes" and "No" changes in time. Things which were ok a week ago may not be the same today. I believe there are some core things we keep, but most things change in time. It can be applied to others. When we accept changes, we can enjoy the change and differences.
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Martial Arts masters always focus on themselves. I believe they focus on their breath and their qi fill up the whole space. They don't have time to compromise or swing because that would be fatal. We don't have much intensity in our lives; we can be loose, there is food, and we are surrounded by thousand things that distract us. It is natural that we get dull with our intuition. Even that, to live fully, I believe it's best to know ourselves, and live with our own truths.
With much love,
Kyoko
Art credit: Kazuhisa Kusaba/Yume-Fuji
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